When I was young and dinosaurs walked the earth, everything was in black and white, color had not yet been invented, Woodrow Wilson was President and he took a beating in the press, and I, my friends, had a thick, full head of wavy hair. It was wonderful. For several years I wore it long enough to blow in the wind. Like Fabio, only wavier.
Still, I was no fool. I saw my father's hairline recede. In fact, all of the older men on both sides of my family. I always knew my day was coming. What is a fellow to do?
I saw Paul Simon deal with it poorly. First, a pretty good combover, then a really bad one, then 25 years of wearing hats. The poor guy was in his late sixities before he had the balls to expose his head. And let's not even mention Donald Trump. In my thirties I started saying that when it happened to me, I would just buzz it all off, and to hell with it. I would just be a balding man, not as good looking, but with my balls intact. No wigs, ballcaps, or combovers. I am a man, I take large steps and have a lot of forehead. And I wouldn't wait. when it started going back, I would just do it.
Last fall I knew it was time to put up or shut up. At first I just got a real short haircut, but I've never been good about follow up haircuts, and before I knew it, 6 months had passed and I was starting to get that old-man-hiding-it look. So I went to Great Clips and got the buzz with the largest size attachment on the clippers, leaving my hair about 3/4 of an inch all over. My forehead was out there! Yeah, baby!
I have been going back every 4 weeks for another. About sixteen dollars a pop, plus tip. So yesterday I went to my local Target and bought a set of clippers for thirty dollars. Last night I gave my self my first self-buzz. The closest attachment for my beard, the largest for my hair. No attachment at all for the neck hairs, and two or three snips with scissors around the ears. Five minutes. No tip.
Two haircuts will pay for the clippers! And I am free! I am a middle-aged man! Balding, but free!
James Lee Jobe